Over the past several years, I’ve been healing the wounds from my childhood. I’ve unknowingly been given an awakened opportunity to see in my “now” adult mind, how I really experienced my upbringing, the relationships I was in, the roles I played and the experiences I had. When I was a child, I didn’t have the awareness or maturity to support myself emotionally and spiritually so I grew up perpetuating the same patterns and reactions over and again. Trying to find safety, security and trust in a world I felt abandoned me.

I did my best to save myself my entire life. Once I stopped being busy, gave up trying to achieve more and more; once I really gave space to settle and be silent, that’s when I saw the truth of who I was and was not.

Meditation revealed parts of me I didn’t know were there and showed me the path to who I yearned to really be.

In meditation I’d feel into parts of my body that felt blocked and as I felt into these parts I started to see visions of past memories and related emotions. Events started to reply in my consciousness as I began to feel the emotions I was so afraid to feel when I was little. Most of the times I felt overwhelmed by how much sorrow and loss I felt from having to wait so long to process these events. Other times I had great relief to finally do so. But always, I felt more connected to myself because I saw behaviours that no longer served who I am today.

It gave me time and space to feel into the sadness, the sorrow and the pain. Moving through this emotions revealed acceptance, love and compassion I didn’t know how to embody as a child. I still feel hurt somedays but as I continue to watch this “movie” play out, I also get to see who I no longer want to be.

In seeing my past, I can create a new future in the present moment. What a gift!

Processing my suppressed emotions allows me to see parts of me that want to catch up to where I am now. The more I can catch up with myself, the more I see people in a new light. My perspective changes. Resentment shifts to compassion as I realize those who’ve hurt me are really just hurting themselves because they too are in pain. In their dependency, I see my co-dependency. In their fear, I see my light. In seeing my light, I see the masks I’ve been wearing and my new found wisdom. I see where I am playing small and I see where it’s time to show up for myself.

I see divinity. I see truth. I see unity.

And that’s when the cycle ends. The cycle I’ve been part of my entire life in relationship with my past; a relationship I am called to merge with who I am in the present moment.

Life brought me to my knees not so I would break, but so I would surrender. And I wholeheartedly believe it is the body that is the bridge to connecting all of my-Self. The body holds sensations the mind has created, and in feeling the body I can connect the mind. Once my mind is set free, my soul can dance.

aquarian sadhana

“Wah Yantee” from Aquarian Sadhana Mantras by Nirinjan Kaur.

The Wah Yantee mantra is one of my favourite mantra meditations to awaken intuition.

Below are a few extra steps to help you tap into your past and reveal your future:

1. Stay present and set an intention.

Close your eyes and take 3-5 deep breaths into the lowest part of your belly. Release with a sigh. With each exhale bring your awareness deeper and deeper into your centre. Ask yourself “what do I want guidance on?” It could be related to a physical pain, an emotion, a feeling or a decision you need to make. Set an intention on how you will receive guidance from your body. For example, “I will receive guidance with grace and ease”.

2. Free your mind and feel into it.

As you focus on your question and your intention, notice where in your body you feel the most sensation. Then start to bring your attention to that area. Observe the quality of the sensations in that area; notice the temperature, colour, weight, texture, shape etc. If an old memory or belief surfaces, let it (as long as you feel safe). What is the message? Allow whatever needs to be healed to surface with compassion and then let it go.

3. Remain the observer.

Notice where the sensations move in your body and if emotion arises, let them and then let them go. Old beliefs and memories come from the past and are surfacing in the present, but they are not the present. With deep mindfulness you now have the power to choose what you want to focus your consciousness on. With your awareness follow your breath and the sensations you’re feeling but don’t get highjacked by them. Watch them as though you’re watching a movie screen. Surrender to the truth.

4. Get curious.

Without judgement ask your body what it wants. Truly listen to the response. Then maybe ask “what actions can I take that lead me closer to answering my question and honouring my intention”? “What will be available to me after I take these actions?”. Trust the answers. By honouring their truth, you can be set free.

5. Trust the process.

What’s in your way, is your way. Trust the journey. You are giving yourself a chance to give what is really inside you enough space to finally be seen and held. Learn from what arises, cherish the messages and hold them with love. This is the beginning of creating a new way for you to be.

6. Take mindfulness action.

It takes courage to dissolve the blocks that hold you from being your true potential. Honour whatever you see as a barrier so you can release it and move closer to living from your heart. Pain may come but it will go. Suffering is optional. Keep a strong hold of your vision towards healing and you will clearly see this is your way.

Big love and Sat Nam,

Nicole xo

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