I am humbled to be part of the Spirit Voyage Yogini Tribe and am excited to release my inaugural post to you today as a series of posts related to A Journey Within. I write about what inspires me to walk the yogic path and to dedicate my life towards liberating my true potential, living my destiny and creating a new world where others are inspired to do the same.
Life. An endearing sequence of experiences known to me, through me, constantly teaching me valuable lessons on a breath by breath basis. But I have had to remain keen to catch the glimpses of lessons life has for me. Some lessons aren’t as obvious as others. And from what I’ve learned the greatest lessons about life aren’t always in the monumental events in our life. Oh no!
What I’ve learned rather is the greatest lessons hover within the whispers and winks of fleeting thoughts, feelings and emotions that echo from deep within us. Deep within the depths of our soul as monumental events come and as they go.
This call deep within me has always been there, but something shifted in me that allowed me to finally listen to it. Like most people I know my poor little soul was buried beneath layers upon layers of beliefs I absorbed from a world that lived in fear. I remember listening to Mooji speak in satsang in Rishikesh, India back in 2013 as he spoke to a room of Western seekers he said, “it’s not that you don’t have values, it’s that you value the wrong things”.
I don’t consider myself to be a person who believes in morality, nor do I believe in right or wrong, but I do believe in aligning oneself with what speaks to them from within when the moment asks for it. Call it your heart’s desires, your values or your truth, call it divine or call it God. Whatever you call it, it’s that call within that undeniably knows in any given moment, nothing is real, nothing is right or wrong and that truth and illusion pulse as undeniably as an inhale and an exhale. It’s that place inside that shakes things up when they need to be shaken so that it can be seen and breathe through our bodies again.
It’s that place inside for most of my life, I chose not to listen to until one day there was nothing I could do to stop it from calling out at the top of it’s glory.
As this place inside continued to sing louder and louder, there I found myself lying on my kitchen floor, leaning against the fridge with tears falling from my eyes in complete desperation. My husband hovering over me in disgust. I knew what was coming. I knew the truth was surfacing and I was terrified. Not only was the truth going to be revealed in that moment but in all the moments I neglected to live prior to that moment.
Then point blank he asked me “are you in love with another man”?
From that moment on the layers of my so called life started to unravel. My life and everything I used to define myself by started to peel away. Year over year I watched all that I claimed to be important, all that I spent my life becoming, all that I worked so hard for, crumble and dissolve. And just when I thought there was nothing more to breakdown, that’s when the deep excavation into the unknown began.
Through meditation, yoga and other healing, I began to dig through the memories and beliefs deep within me. It was like opening up boxes of pictures and movies somewhere stored in my psyche that I new I’d seen at some point in life, but hadn’t had the capacity to process. They got stuck inside me. Replaying these memories I’d carried with me my whole life was not about seeing them all over again but rather feeling them all over again with the awareness of an adult mind.
Trapped emotions started to surface out of nowhere. Many times I felt traumatized because it felt like I was actually living it all out again in real time. I felt as though my life was highjacked.
Suddenly every dark moment that was hidden from myself in an attempt to keep myself safe, protected and secure started to reveal themselves one by one. I was acting out the movie from my past, totally attached, swept away and burdened. It was heavy. I questioned my existence. I questioned my path. I questioned God.
I didn’t understand what was happening to me or how to get out of this inner turmoil. I was begging for a way out. Begging for relief. Desperate to find light again. Sometimes glimmers of light would come to me, and then I’d find myself in tears in the bathroom wondering if this was it? Is this all there is in this life is to replay and live out this movie over and over again?
I couldn’t shake it.
At a book signing in Vancouver I met a physician and author Dr. Gabor Maté who studies the link between illness and emotions. When I had the opportunity to speak with him briefly I told him about my flashbacks and expressed to him my concerns he responded “you aren’t re-traumatizing yourself, instead you are making connections”.
His words gave me such relief, I felt healed. Here I had been given a perspective shift.
I was given an opportunity to really become a witness to what I was experiencing and to remain objective and curious without getting taken down by the intense thoughts and memories that were surfacing. I was uniting my mind, body and soul in a way I’d never experienced before.
Instead of floundering like an abandoned child in the web of moments that I never got a chance to process and heal, I was now given the opportunity. Memories from childhood surfaced and I saw them in a new light. A light where I gained the ability to really see what had happened to me and the connection to why I lived life and made the decisions I did growing up. It was like pulling out weeds from their roots where the weed itself was the manifestation of my life as an adult cultivated by the roots of my upbringing.
One of my favourite mantras to help me break free from the past and guide me towards my destinyis the Mul Mantra (The Root of Existence). Yogi Bhajan says, “The Mul Mantra is a fate killer. It removes the fate and changes the destiny to complete prosperity.” My favourite version of the Mul Mantra is by Gurunam Singh from the album The Journey Home.
So what does all of this have to do with my marriage ending? Well, if any of you have been through divorce, or the death of anything really, you’ll know that those profound events aren’t really the lessons.
They are the instigators, the catalysts, the last straws. They are thresholds that open up to the unknown, to the places deep within us we’ve forgotten, or neglected or just didn’t know existed. They drag us down and deep not to injure us or break us, but rather to ground us down and wake us up!
These monumental events feel like turmoil and breakdown but who says they should be so?
The gift of such events can be honoured and cherished just as beautifully as the gift of joyous events. For there’s never a moment in life where we are suppose to choose to suffer. There’s only an opportunity to leverage what has been given into the greatest lessons for you at that time. And in those lessons, there are secret passageways to your heart, to your soul and to your destiny.
Collectively we are breaking through to higher perspectives so the world can evolve and resonate at higher vibrations of peace, love and joy. It is our duty to find that within, to trust the process wholly and to know that we are here for all of it.
Because when we show up for all of life, we give permission to be our true selves and see who and what we are and what we are not. From there we can make a conscious choice to operate from that which serves us and the world while at the same time inspiring others to do the same.
My dream is to continue to wake up, feel what holds me down and let it go. To continue to create harmony and integrity with all that is within me so I can see clearly what is without me. It has taken me years to get to this place and I envision it will take years more to start to feel comfortable here. But I know now that the stillness and surrender is where the magic lives. It’s where I realize that all the doing and running away I’ve been conditioned to has kept me from being who I really am.
It’s not always easy to let go. It takes time. It takes courage and most times it takes getting a lot of help and support. I know for me personally I had no idea the process of letting go was going to look this way. I didn’t know the complexities of the mind, body and soul could be so intricate and delicate. I didn’t know this journey could be as fascinating as it is frustrating.
But I choose to surrender to it. To watch, feel and remain curious. To embrace all of the ways life moves through me so I can clear out all that holds me from my true state of being. My destiny and my path. In honouring this process I honour exploring the unknown to create a world that grows towards light, peace and freedom.
Sat Nam with love,